A 96-Year-Old's Letter to Bank

Ever have a bounced check? You'll love this! Please let me have this
much of a sense of humour when I'm 96!


A 96-Year-Old's Letter to Bank Shown below, is an actual letter that
was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I
noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.


My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further.


When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

1 To . make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.


Your Humble Client

Even have days like this?