Wife Programme

To: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell





To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPSs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The
best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFS. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very
high maintenance.

So are you genius

Try this....
Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...! Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good. But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


Managed it?


Scroll down only after you have counted them!



OK?



How many?







Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!


Read again!


FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...

The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius

Three is normal.

A Guju Funeral

A Guju Funeral

A Patel family in gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top, which
read:

Dear brothers and sisters, I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave are all consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size
10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta Aunty, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know as Bapa is also not feeling too well nowadays...

Your loving sister,

Radhika

New Duch Currency

Nice Options to Have .....

Divorce...........

An elderly Sindhi man in Leicester calls his son in New York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"
Pop, what are you talking about? " The son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Leicester immediately, and screams at the old man, You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME ?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says,
"They're coming for Diwali and paying their own travel fare !"

Tamil Movies and Newton

Newton and Tamil movies...!!


Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie.

He watched a few Tamil movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done.

In the movie of Vijaykanth Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:

1) Vijayakanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Vijayakanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured.

Long Live Vijaykanth.

2) In one of the movies, Vijaykanth is confronted with 3 gangsters.

Vijaykanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess,what he does....... He holds a knife in his hand and throws at the middle gangster.. & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kill the middle one....

3) Vijayakanth is chased by a gangster. Vijaykanth has a revolver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots,Vijayakanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies.... This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely shaken and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a movie for one last time and thought that at least one movie ill follow his theory of physics. The whole movies goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed.

Oops not so fast.

The Climax finally arrives. Vijaykanth gets to know that the Villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Vijayakanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use.Vijaykanth has to desperately kill the villain because it’s the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible).. Vijayakanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall, he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun.Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton faints.

Gender Benders...........

Computers: Male or female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized
as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's
listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male)
announced that computers should also be referred to as
being female. Their reasons for drawing this
conclusion follow:

Reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal
logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all
female) think that computers should be referred to as
if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but
half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if
you had waited a little longer, you could have
obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn
them on

Women.........

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but
no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly
use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as 'WIFE'; when you are not expecting her,
she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if
you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Fruitcake Recipe

Fruitcake Recipe

(:-), I dont think anything more needs to be said. So who said cooking was difficult!!!!!!!

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Hurry Home

Code to mohmaya hai,
Aaj tum coding karte ho,
Kal koi aur karega.
Bug hi is jeevan ka satya hai,
Woh kal bhi tha,
aaj bhi hai,
Aur hamesha rahega.
Tum sochte ho ki tumne bug theek kar diya,
To galat sochte ho,
Woh nirantar HAI,
Naye naye roop mein tumhare saamne aataa rahega.
Isiliye CODE KARTE JAO, BUG KI CHINTA MAT KARO.


'Hurry Home!'

(should be chanted in the style of Hari Om!)

Veerappan

What happens if veerappan becomes the chairman of kingfisher?
ans: beerappan.

What happens if veerappan becomes the chairman of bisleri?
ans: neerappan.

What happens if veerappan becomes the chairman of bambino vermicelli?
ans: kheerappan.

What is veerappan's sister's name?
ans: veerakkan.

what does veerappan give as incentive to his employees?
ans: VSOPs... Veerappans Sandalwood Options. u can cut the sandalwood tree 5 yrs after joining his gang.

what does veerappan give as incentive to his managers?
ans: VTOPs Veerappans Tusk options. u are given a baby elephant while joining the gang. u can cut the tusks when the elephant grows on

What is the name of Veerappan's IT company
ans: VIPRO (Veerappan IT Products).

Jaane Kyon

Did you ever wonder? ? ?

DID YOU EVER WONDER ? ? ?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

New Employee Manual

NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
* If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
* If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
* If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
* We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
* Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

* Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

* All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July. 1 & Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

* This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.
* Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements
* In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

* This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order:
* For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
* If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
* In maextreme emergencies, employees y swap their time with a c.oworker Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
* In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
* After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week, if u can.

Management

Question time.......

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the
war. After his talk he offers question time. One
little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what
his name is. "Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And
third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush
informs the kiddies that they will continue after
recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were
we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,
what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20
minutes early? And fifth, where is Bob?"

Indian Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told,
"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on
a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips
you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at
all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell
and many more.


He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of
people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is
told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay
you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and
whips you for the rest of the day."


"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in?"


"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former
Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen......"

Valentine Rhymes - For those who need some:)

A few Valentine rhymes...

My darling, my honey, my wife...
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you... But the roses are wilting, the
violets are dead,the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace...
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot...
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace...
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes...
Damn, I'm good at telling lies

I see your face when I am dreaming...
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away...
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime :-))

The last try!!!

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His
birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to
get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.


Bobby's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Bobby to reflect on his
behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how
you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to
his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,


I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my
birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a
fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that
he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as
Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother
told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went
into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room
and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his
letter to God.


Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Some cool quotes on computers !!

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Best file compression around: DEL *.* = 100% compression

Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions.

The Internet is a great way to get on the net. -- Senator Bob Dole

There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months. -- Clifford Stoll

Syntactic sugar consumption leads to cancer of the semicolon.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window. -- Steve Wozniak, Apple Computer

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Issac Asimov

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't 'broken'.

The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsgar Dijkstra

What boots up must come down

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Hey ! It compiles ! Ship it !

The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again. -- Al Goodman

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image. -- Stephen Hawking

--(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. -- J. H. Goldfuss

Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven

Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion...

The reason you see open source there at all is because we came in and said there should be a platform that's identical with millions and millions of machines. -- Bill Gates

There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft. -- Bill Gates

Java is, in many ways, C++--

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

I'm in the computer business, I make Out-Of-Order signs.

/* You are not expected to understand this */

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.

So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook

All computers wait at the same speed

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. -- Dennis Ritchie

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make easier to do don't need to be done. -- Andy Rooney

Reach out and grep someone. -- Bell Labs Unix

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten 10% of its capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.

CV of PM Mr. Manmohan Singh

Let's have A Look at CV of our PM Mr. Manmohan Singh

Check the attachment as well…….
Born on: September 26, 1932

Place of Birth: Gah (West Punjab)

Father: Gurmukh Singh

Mother: Amrit Kaur

Married on: September 14, 1958

Wife: Gursharan Kaur

Children: Three daughters

EDUCATION:

Stood first in BA (Hons), Economics, Panjab University, Chandigarh, 1952;
stood first in MA (Economics), Panjab University, Chandigarh, 1954;
Wright's Prize for distinguished performance at St John's College,
Cambridge, 1955 and 1957; Wrenbury scholar, University of Cambridge, 1957;
DPhil (Oxford), DLitt (Honoris Causa); PhD thesis on India's export
competitiveness

OCCUPATION:

Professor (Senior lecturer, Economics, 1957-59; Reader, Economics, 1959-63;

Professor, Economics, Panjab University, Chandigarh, 1963-65; Professor,
International Trade, Delhi School of Economics, University of Delhi,
1969-71; Honorary professor, Jawaharlal Nehru University, New Delhi, 1976
and Delhi School of Economics, University of Delhi, 1996) and Civil Servant

POSITIONS:

1971-72: Economic advisor, ministry of foreign trade

1972-76: Chief economic advisor, ministry of finance

1976-80: Director, Reserve Bank of India; Director, Industrial Development
Bank of India; Alternate governor for India, Board of governors, Asian
Development Bank; Alternate governor for India, Board of governors, IBRD

November 1976 - April 1980: Secretary, ministry of finance (department of
economic affairs); Member, finance, Atomic Energy Commission; Member,
finance, Space Commission

April 1980 - September 15, 1982 : Member-secretary, Planning Commission

1980-83: Chairman, India Committee of the Indo-Japan joint study committee
September 16, 1982 - January 14, 1985: Governor, Reserve Bank of India

1982-85: Alternate Governor for India, Board of governors, International
Monetary Fund

1983-84: Member, economic advisory council to the Prime Minister

1985: President, Indian Economic Association

January 15, 1985 - July 31, 1987 : Deputy chairman, Planning Commission

August 1, 1987 - November 10, 1990 : Secretary-general and commissioner,
south commission, Geneva

December 10, 1990 - March 14, 1991 : Advisor to the Prime Minister on
economic affairs

March 15, 1991 - June 20, 1991 : Chairman, UGC

June 21, 1991 - May 15, 1996 : Union finance minister

October 1991: Elected to Rajya Sabha from Assam on Congress ticket

June 1995: Re-elected to Rajya Sabha

1996 onwards: Member, Consultative Committee for the ministry of finance

August 1, 1996 - December 4, 1997 : Chairman, Parliamentary standing
committee on commerce

March 21, 1998 onwards: Leader of the Opposition, Rajya Sabha

June 5, 1998 onwards: Member, committee on finance

August 13, 1998 onwards: Member, committee on rules

Aug 1998-2001: Member, committee of privileges 2000 onwards: Member,
executive committee, Indian parliamentary group

June 2001: Re-elected to Rajya Sabha

Aug 2001 onwards: Member, general purposes committee

BOOKS:

India's Export Trends and Prospects for Self-Sustained Growth - Clarendon
Press, Oxford University, 1964; also published a large number of articles
in various economic journals.

OTHER ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

Adam Smith Prize, University of Cambridge, 1956

Padma Vibhushan, 1987

Euromoney Award, Finance Minister of the Year, 1993;

Asiamoney Award, Finance Minister of the Year for Asia, 1993 and 1994

INTERNATIONAL ASSIGNMENTS:

1966: Economic Affairs Officer

1966-69: Chief, financing for trade section, UNCTAD

1972-74: Deputy for India in IMF Committee of Twenty on International
Monetary Reform

1977-79: Indian delegation to Aid-India Consortium Meetings

1980-82: Indo-Soviet joint planning group meeting

1982: Indo-Soviet monitoring group meeting

1993: Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting Cyprus 1993: Human Rights
World Conference, Vienna

RECREATION:

Gymkhana Club, New Delhi; Life Member, India International Centre, New
Delhi

Indian Traffic rules - tips (hilarious!!!)

BAAN has opened an office in Hyderabad and has been bringing in some of their staff from the Netherlands to work in India. This is an extract from one of the articles written about the driving conditions in India by Coen Jeukens, who is a functional Architect for Baan Apps Distribution.

Driving in India.

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.

The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't get discouraged or under estimate yourself. Except for a belief in re-incarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust
(two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught.

Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an ___expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)

The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en-route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Benhur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds

The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes:

Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street

These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.


If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8pm and 11am -when the police have gone home. The citizen then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution. Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!??

Sardarji jokes

Sardarji is buying a TV.
'Do you have color TVs?'
'Sure.'
'Give me a green one, please.'

* * * * * *

Sardarji calls Air India. 'How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?' 'Just a sec,' says the rep. 'Thank you.' says the Sardarji and hangs up.

* * * * * *

EMPLOYMENT
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.

Then he came to the column 'Salary Expected' : He was not sure as to what to be filled there.

After much thought he wrote : Yes

* * * * * *

CROCODILE BOOTS

Sardarji proposes a woman. She says 'Yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.'

He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims '71st and
*again* barefeet!'

* * * * * *

A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, 'What is that shiny object?'
The clerk replies, 'That is a thermos flask.'
The sardar then asks, 'What does it do?'
The clerk responds, 'It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.'
The sardar says, 'I'll take it!'
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, 'What is that shiny object with you?'
He said, 'It's a thermos flask.'
The boss then says, 'What does it do?'
He replies, 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
The boss said, 'Wow, what do you have in it?'
The sardar replies, 'Two cups of coffee and a coke.'

* * * * * *

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like 'Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai'

* * * * * *

What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes!!

* * * * * *

What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!

* * * * * *
Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab.

Santa Singh raised a point, 'Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?'

That was a difficult question indeed.

Suddenly Banta Singh replied, 'No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed.'

All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word.

Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, 'OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA?'

=============================================
TRAIN TO LUDHIANA.
Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: 'Can I take this train to Ludhiana?' 'No,' answers the Railway man. 'Can I?' asks Gani Singh.

* * * * * *

A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai'

Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata'

* * * * * *
Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him.

Somebody stops him and asks 'kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?'

Sardarji replies 'Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun'

* * * * * *
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived.

This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.

When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.

Said his wife 'What's the matter?'

Replied he 'The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else'

* * * * * *
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.

A passerby saw him and asked, 'Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?'

The sardarji replied 'I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too.'

* * * * * *
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate

'Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese.'

'How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Sikh?'

'Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.'

* * * * * *
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space. The ground control issues commands 'Rubi!' 'Woof!' (its the barking sound 'Press the red button.') 'Woof! Woof!' 'Moti!' 'Woof!' 'Press the white button.' 'Woof! Woof!' 'Sardarji!' 'Woof.' 'Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!'

* * * * * *
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says 'Yes'.

'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.'

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sadarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.'

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says 'I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder.'

* * * * * *

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat. But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.

After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, 'Arre Banta Singh !What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared? I was enjoying my ride down there?

Scared Banta replies. 'Yeah, but you've got a *driver.*'

* * * * * *

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, 'I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.'

'Oh Dear!' the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. 'But ..what happened to your other ear?'

'The scoundrel called back.'

Y2K Compliancy

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Communication.........

Programmer to PL: 'This is not possible!!! Impossible. It will involve design change and nobody in our team knows the design of the system. And above that nobody in our company knows the language in which this software has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion the company should never take these type of projects.'

Project Leader to Project Manager: 'This project will involve design change. Currently we don't have people who have experience in this type of work. Also the language is unknown so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we should avoid taking this project.'

Project Manager to AVP: 'This project involves design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also not many people are trained in this area. In my personal opinion we can take the project but we should ask for some more time.'

AVP to SVP: 'This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and some who know the language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project but with caution.'

SVP to CEO: 'This project will show the industry our capabilities in modeling the design of a complete system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other people. In my personal opinion we should not let this project go by under any Circumstance.'

CEO to Client: 'These are the type of projects in which our company specialize. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many big clients. Trust me when I say that you are in the safest hand in the Industry. In my personal opinion we can execute this project successfully and that too well within the given time frame.'